Danny Amor's Online Library/Danny Amor's Online Library - Volume 1.iso/html/startrek/crossover/misc/dotoonsdreamofanvils

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From: [e-mail] (Bryan Chaney)
Subject: STORY: Do Toons Dream Of Anvils? (Animaniacs Crossover)
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Organization: Keio University, Mita Tokyo Japan.
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Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 02:40:08 GMT
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First of all, thank you's go to Shelly Sterba for editting this monster
and Susan Coates for reading the first draft.
****************
Disclaimer:  This is a piece of fan fiction.  All names contained within
are held by their respective copyright holders.  Used without
permission. {and I'm not wearing any pants!}
Notes:  (For Star Trek fans not familiar with alt.tv.animaniacs)  This
is written by a person that spends more time watching Animaniacs than
Star Trek.  If there are inaccuracies in names, characterization, or
abilities politely point them out but don't flame me!  In case you
don't know, Animaniacs is an animated series from Warner Brothers
produced by Steven Spielberg starting in September 1993 on the Fox
network (and soon to be on the new WB network) and is seen throughout
North America and Europe.  I use the symbol "@@@@@@@h"  to indicate a
stall prop that can't quite be represented in the normal character
set.  Imagine a long drawn out, hesitant "ah" with a slight growl
underneath and it would be fairly close. Do not adjust your set.  This
story takes place between "All Good Things...." and Generations.
(For Animaniacs fans)  This is intended as a straight Star Trek script
with toon elements a la who framed Roger Rabbit?"  This is not a
parody, though hopefully will be funny.

Do Toons Dream Of Anvils?:
 A Star Trek: The Next Generation/Animaniacs Crossover Fanfict
    By Bryan Chaney
[Opening shot:  The USS Enterprise NCC 1701-D docked at a starbase.]
[Voice-over. Data's voice.]
Data: Stardate 47996.3.  Lt. Cmdr. Data's personal log.  During our
re-supply and maintenance visit to Starbase 265, I have continued my
study of Terran art history.  Having worked my way up to pop art, I
have now taken up the study of cartooning and animation.  By way of
introduction, I studied the history of animantion.
[CUT to Data's quarters, interior.  Data stands before a sketch pad,
drawing an entirely too realistic picture of Spot.]
Data:  No, not that way.[He tears the sheet off and throws it onto the
floor.  It lands on top of a  small pile of similarly rumpled pieces
of paper  scattered around his feet. Data moves to his work desk.]
Computer, display all cats from the file DataAnime.image.[On the
screen, a steady procession of cartoon cats appears; Felix, Figaro,
Tom, Top Cat, Fritz, Sylvester, The Siamese Cats from "Lady and the Tramp,"
Heathcliff, Garfield, Fat Cat, Furball, Rita.  Then, the computer
starts on cat derived characters; Peg Leg Pete, Pete Puma, Shir Khan,
Kimba, Simba, The Thundercats] Stop display.[Data looks to Spot.]  I
am afraid this is not working.  I believe I need to see the creation of
this work in action.  I never thought that drawing a series of
two-dimensional images could be so difficult.  [looking up] Computer,
compile information about animation studios and create a holodeck
simulation.
Computer:  Which animation studio?  There is information concerning
Disney, Fliescher, Warner Brothers, Paramount...
Data: Warner Brothers.
Computer: Which era? Old date 1933, 1946, 1961, 1993, 2012,....
Data: I believe a hybrid would be best.  Something to show a variety
of animation styles and actions.
Computer: [Pause] Compiling.
[CUT to Engineering.  An ENSIGN is looking at a monitor in one of the
stations]
Ensign: [as Lt. Cmdr. GORDI LaFORGE, passes by] Sir, there was just a small
spike in the material transfer.
Gordi: Was it within specs?
Ensign: Yes. So far that is the only unusual occurrence.
Gordi: Carry on.
[CUT to Data approaching holodeck.]
Computer: Holodeck program Data Animation complete.  Enter when ready.
[Data briefly nods and enters the simulation.  Data enters a room that
is circular in shape with various movie posters on walls.  There is a
four poster bed on one side and a bunk bed on the other.  In the
center of the room is a log flume ride.  It definitely doesn't look
real.]
Data: Computer, where am I ?
Computer: You are in Holodeck 3.
Data: [momentarily looking flustered] I mean, what is the location of
the simulation in Holodeck 3?
Computer: [skip a beat] You are within the Warner Brothers watertower.
[There is a stirring of the beds.  The first one up is on the top bunk.
He is colored black with a white face. His head is ovoid with very
prominent cheeks.  At the side of the cheeks are what look like black
tufts of hair or fur.  His nose is a bright red at the end of slight
snout.  The eyes are black ovals of slightly different sizes.   His
eyebrows are roughly were the white marking end on this face above the
eyes.   His hands, visible on the blanket, are four fingered and in
white, puffy gloves.   He looks like a really morphed dog or rabbit,
complete with ears that stick up over his head (YAKKO).]
Yakko: Hey, siblings, we have a visitor! [Fade out]
{ST:TNG show opener. Special guest voices: Rob Paulsen, Tress
MacNeille, Jess Harnell, Sherri Stoner}
Act I:[Fade in on WATERTOWER; INTERIOR.  Side shot of Data on one side
and Yakko, wearing brown baggy pants with a gold buckled belt hitched
halfway up his torso with a long round black tail coming through a
hole in the pants; WAKKO, same coloring and general shape as Yakko but
shorter and "rounder", with his tounge perpetually hanging out,
wearing a blue turtleneck and an slightly oversized red baseball cap
with his ears sticking out through earholes cut into the hat; and DOT,
again same coloring and general features but wearing a pink skirt and
bloomers and a yellow flower holding her ears together.  Whereas the
other two have more rounded faces, Dot has a face shaped more like a
shield (a la the WB logo) with tufts of fur defining the corners.]
{Overtitle: Do Toons Dream Of Anvils?}
Data: Who are you?
Yakko: We're the Warner Brothers! I'm Yakko!
Wakko: I'm Wakko! [speaks in a Liverpulian accent throughout]
Dot: ...and I'm *cute*!
Data:  But you are cartoon characters.
Yakko: [sotto voce to Data, pointing to the other two] Don't tell them
that, they might crack.
Data: There seems to be some mistake.  I wanted to study how animation
is done.  I had intended to recreate the Warner Brothers animation
studio.
Yakko:  There is no need to!  We ARE the very model of cartoon
individuals!
[Begin music for "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"]
Data: [interrupting Yakko as he starts to sign]  How do you do that,
creating music out of nowhere?
Dot:  It's a toon thing, you silly man.
Data:  I am not a man. I am an android.
Wakko:  Faboo!  I can be an android, too! [Morphs into a robot looking
suspiciously like a Power Zord.][In ominous tones] I call upon...
Yakko: @@@@@@h, wrong show.
Wakko: [Morphs back] Sorry.
Data: [taping comm badge]  Lt. Cmdr. Data to the Bridge.
Picard:[from badge] Go ahead, Mr. Data.
Data: Sir, there is a... minor problem on Holodeck 3.  Could you send
Gordi and Counselor Troi...and Dr. Crusher.
Picard: [sounding slightly baffled] They are on their way.
Data: Data, out.
Dot:  Who were you talking to?
Data:  I was talking to the Captain.
Yakko: [All three running in a circle around Data] We're on a ship?
We are finally on the trip to Tahiti!
Yakko Wakko & Dot (together): Hooray!
Data:  Not that kind of ship.  We are on a starship.[skip a beat]
Yakko: [Again, all three running in a circle around Data] We are
finally on the trip to Bajor!
Yakko Wakko & Dot:  Hooray!
[Cut to a wedge of the watertower.  On the floor is a cage with two
(cartoon) white lab mice inside.  One is tall and skinny with buck
teeth (PINKY), while the other looks like a mouse version of Orson
Wells, with big ears and short, squat body(The BRAIN).]
Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find Levi's in
this sector of the universe?
Brain: Be quiet, Pinky.  All these years I've been thinking too small.
Pinky: That isn't too hard.
Brain: Shut up or I'll delight in putting you out an airlock.  We
happen to be on a starship that probably has enough firepower to
destroy planets and is able to cross the universe in a matter of days.
Do you know what this means?
Pinky: Uhh, we can get free parking at Weenie Burgers?
Brain: No, it means when we take over this ship, we can take over the
UNIVERSE!
{Commercial Break}
Act II. [Holodeck, same as before.  Side shot of Yakko, Wakko, and Dot
on one side and Data on the other.  Fade in as Gordi, DR. CRUSHER, and
Counselor TROI enter the Holodeck/Watertower.  Data turns to the
entering people.]
Gordi: Data, what seems....
Data: Gordi, this is Yakko...
Yakko: Whoa, nice barrette!
Gordi: It's a VISOR, not a barrette.
Data: [nonplused] ...Wakko, and, uh, Dot.
Dot: But if  you call me Dotty ,  you die.
Data: [still nonplused] This is Chief Engineer LaForge, Counselor Troi,
and Dr. Crusher.
Yakko & Wakko: [leaping into Beverly's arms] Helloooooo Doctor Nurse!
Dot: [aside] Even after all this time, they never change.
Crusher: [shocked]  Well, they certainly feel real enough.
Yakko: Right now, I feel like I could use some close attention
[wiggles eyebrows]
Data: [turning to Troi] Can you sense any feelings from them?
Troi:  [pause] Well, I can sense they are there but thier emotions  are
chaotic.
Wakko: [as if noticing Troi for the first time, and then leaping into
her arms]  Hellooooooo P-sychiatrist Nurse!  You sense me all you want!
Yakko: [still in Beverly's arms] Goodnight, everybody!
Dot: [looking disgusted]  How come they get all the pretty girls and
no guys come around?
[Cut to a sexy mink morph 'toon; white fur with long  blonde hair and
tail, wearing a yellow half shirt and cutoff jeans. (MINERVA MINK)]
Minerva: Honey, I've been waiting for the perfect hunk forEVER.
[cut back to Dot.]
Dot: [To the camera] Keep your mind on the story, you twit!
[pull back to include everyone in the shot.  They are all staring at
Dot. Pregnant pause.]
Wakko: Now I am completely confused.
[cut to Pinky and the Brain.  The cage door is open and they are
starting to sneak around the group.]
Brain: Pinky, this shall be simple.  All we have to do is get around
them and then sneak into the corridors.
Pinky: Uh, but Brain, how are we going to get to the overpass...
Brain: That's a bridge!
Pinky: [continuing as if nothing happened] ...hitch a ride on Twiggy's
back?
Brain: Pinky, you watch far too much television.  This is a highly
advanced starship.  There must be some means of directing oneself to
the bridge.
[Pinky and the Brain are now even with the group in the center,
inching their way along the wall.  Gordi being the closest notices them.]
Gordi: What the...
Brain: [shouting] Hurry, Pinky we have been spotted!
[Pinky and the Brain run toward the open holodeck door.  Just as it
looks like they are going to cross out of the holodeck and into the
hall, they are flattened against an invisible wall.]
Slappy: [off camera]  That has got to hurt.
Brain: [dazed] All my thoughts are now in Klingon.
[Pan over to a large gray squirrel 'toon with a white cheeks and chest
and blue eyes and wearing purple eyeshadow, a green hat with a yellow
flower; caricatured to convey a sense of being old (SLAPPY SQUIRREL)]
Slappy: [Looking at the Brain] Eeeh, that mouse could never fight his
way out of a paper bag. [Looking up at the group] All right, who woke me
up out of my nap?
Yakko: Don't look at me!  Wakko was the one who did it.
Wakko: How come I get blamed for everything?
Dot: Because you are usually the culprit.
[pause]
Slappy:  Well, are you going to introduce me?  Nevermind, I'll do it
myself.  You kids have been locked in the tower too long, ya've
forgotten your manners.  The name is Slappy Squirrel, actress of fine
'toons.  Ehh, where d'ya get the pajamas?
Data:  My name is Data and this Dr. Crusher, Lt. LaForge, and
Counselor Troi.
Slappy: [to Troi]  You look too pretty to be a lawyer.
Troi: [trying to drop Wakko but hangs around her neck, drooling]  I am
not involved in law.  I have people talk about there feelings.
Wakko: [Turning to Slappy]She's a P-sychiatrist.  And a lot prettier
than Scratchy.[He goes back to drool some more on Troi.  She tries to
gently but firmly remove him with little success.]
Gordi: [to Data, sotto voce]  This is getting out of hand.  The
program is starting to generate additional characters.
Data: [sotto voce] I will see if the holodeck responds to commands.
[He turns to the open door, careful not to step on the still dazed
Pinky and the Brain, and types in a few commands.] Computer, end
simulation. [No response.]  Computer, end simulation.
[Pull back shot.  Crusher is trying to get rid of Yakko and Troi has
finally dropped Wakko on to the ground.  Dot has him by his collar.]
Dot: I am so sorry about this, he hasn't seen a pretty girl in ages.
Here, I will fix this right now [She whistles loudly.  Enter a tall
'toon woman with long green hair and wearing a tiger striped bikini
with small horns sticking through her hair and very large eyes (LUM)]
Lum: Darling, you called?
Wakko: Helloooooo, Alien Nurse! [leaps for her arms, but when he lands
in them, there is an electrical flash surrounding Lum.  You can see
the bone structure inside Wakko.  He falls to the ground, slightly
smoking.]
Lum: [outraged] You are not darling!
Slappy: [leaning over Wakko] You remind me of a young Wil E. Coyote.
Gordi: [slightly stunned]  This is definitely getting out of control.
Gordi to Engineering. [tapping the communicator]
Barkley: [from communicator] Barkley here.
Gordi: Barkley, start running a level 3 diagnostic on the holodeck
program.  We have a self generating program on Holodeck 3.  I'll be
down there in a minute. LaForge, out.
Barkley : Roger. Barkley out.
Troi: [to Gordi; in the background Yakko and Dot help Wakko up and
dust him off. Wakko still look after Lum, who has left.  Dot shakes
her head.]  In the meantime, what are we going to do?  Data, you
created the program, what do you know of there behavior?
Data: [rejoining the group, slight pause as thinking]  The three, uh,
Warners are acting totally in character. In all of their cartoons, all
109 episodes, they were never outwitted.  The usually left after they
had totally humiliated what they called their "special friend."
Crusher: [still trying to rid herself of Yakko] "Special friend?"
Yakko: You know.  Someone that just deserves the special treatment.
Someone who is rude.  Someone who should be nice to people.  But I
could make an exception in your case...[wiggles eyebrows]
[Crusher finally drops Yakko, but he doesn't look offended.]
Data:  At least they are harmless.
[Suddenly, a grey and green pigeon with pink eyes (PESTO) appears on
Data's shoulder]
Pesto: [in a Joe Pesci imitation from Goodfellas] What do you mean by that?
Data:  [not phased about a cartoon pigeon suddenly showing up on his
shoulder]  I said you were harmless.
Pesto:  Are you saying that I am a leather strap to hold a horse to a
cart, is that what you're saying!?!
Data: [still calm]  No, I did not say that.
Pesto: I am harmless?
Data: Yes.
Pesto:  THAT'S IT! [Pesto begins to try to beat up Data's head.  A
cartoon cloud of dust starts to form.]  I'll show you harmless! [It
doesn't last long, because Pesto stops and waves his wings/fists]
Owwww!  You got a steel head or somethin'?
Data: Actually, it is titanium. [not a scratch on him]
Gordi: [muttering as he exits]  Definitely getting out of control,
definitely.
[Cut to Dot sitting on floor next to a grey cat with blue eyes and
piece missing from her left ear (RITA)]
Dot & Rita (together):  Humans, go fig.
Troi:  I...I think it might be best for now to leave and come back in
a little while. [she turns to leave with Crusher. Both exit.]
Data:  This has been a very informative experience.
[Yakko, Wakko, Dot, Slappy, Rita, and Minerva gather in a loose
semi-circle around Data]
Yakko:  What do you mean, "informative"?
Data:  This was much better than I hoped for.  Now I will be able to
draw my own cartoon.  But I am afraid it will not be as good looking
as all of you.
Minerva: [murmuring]  Well, naturally.
Data:  But, I am also afraid you do not belong here.  This is a
holodeck in a starship not the Warner Brothers water tower.  You do
not even exist. You are just cartoons.
Wakko: Well, does anybody watch us anymore?  Dot hasn't received any
mail in a long time.
Brain: [on Data's shoulder with Pinky and Pesto on the other]  And
haven't had to be called down to the studio to do voice-overs.  You
know how many plans I've made?
Pinky: Narf! And none of them worked! [laughs] Zort! [Brain hits Pinky
on the head.]
Brain: Quiet, Pinky.
Data: [taking all of them in]  After your show was canceled in old
date 1998, it ran in reruns for several more years, in fact until
television was replaced completely in 2017.  After that, it did linger
on in some archived 3-D films, but during and after the war, the show
has largely been forgotten except by some Earth 20th Century Popular
Historians.
[The 'toons stand in stunned silence]
Yakko:  I thought I over slept.
Slappy: [topping Yakko's line] I need some prune juice.[she turns to
leave. Fade out.]
{Commercial break}
Act III.[Data, Gordi, Barkley and Picard are all in Engineering  Gordi
and Barkley are leaning over a display on the central table.]
Picard: [walking in with Data] How is the repairs to the Holodeck
coming along?
Gordi: Sir, the only thing we've been able to determine is that
it occured at the same time as a spike in the materials transfer.
Just a freak occurance, but haven't been able to end the program.
Barkley: [stammering] It's, it's as if the program doesn't WANT to
end.  Every direction we try to attack it, it moves the other way. Sir.
Data: An interesting analogy. [pause]  Before I left, I told them what
happened to the television show that they were on.  At least they are now
quiet.
[Suddenly over the Commlink, music starts blaring]
Song: "It's time for An-i-man-i-acs/ And we're zany to the max..."
Picard: [shouting] Computer, cut broadcast! [song ends abruptly]
Computer, identify source of transmission.
Computer: Holodeck number 3.
Picard: [quirking an eyebrow at Data] I though you said they were quiet.
[to Gordi and Barkley]  I don't care what you do, I will not have my
ship interrupted like this.
Gordi & Barkley: Yes, sir.
Picard:  Mr. Data, let's see these...Animaniacs of yours. [Picard and
Data turn to leave Engineering.]
[Cut to Picard and Data entering the holodeck.  The scene has changed.
Visible to  Picard and Data's left is Darth Vader and Marvin the
Martian, both sitting in chairs and to their right a pasty white
alien like those in the Time-Life Mysteries Of The Unknown books but
with a hairdo like Jane Jetson.  Reverse shot.  Yakko is being led by
another alien and the two exit through a pair of sliding doors. {{A!
fans will recognize the scene from "Space Probe"}}]
Slappy: [sliding up to Picard and Data out of nowhere] I see you
finally showed up for your cameo.  Now go away.
Data: This is Ms. Slappy Squirrel.
Slappy: [unimpressed] Charmed, I'm sure.
Data:  This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard, the captain of this ship.
[Picard raises a eyebrow]
Slappy:  Yeah, yeah, yeah. [tries to shoo them out] Now go away.
We're in the middle of production, and Weed gets cranky when the next
shot is delayed.
Picard: Weed?
Slappy: Weed Memlo.  The Warners brought him along to direct remakes
of all their shorts.
[Enter a tall, lanky toon human with blonde hair and wearing a blue
sharkskin suit with a wide striped tie (WEED MEMLO)]
Weed: Alright!  What's holding up production? Slappy, I thought I told
you to clear sets for the next scene.
Slappy:  Lay off it, Weed, or I'll call the union on you.  Remember
when you had to lock Daffy into that box just to get him loony?
Weed: [beginning to look nervous] Just don't you ever....[notices
Picard and Data]  Why are you hanging around like that?  Your cameo is
over, Mr. Picard.
Picard: [icily] That is Captain Picard
Weed: Yeah, sure, what ever.  There's doughnuts in the back.  We need
to move the next set in. [turns away]  Okay, Morty, bring on the next scene!
[As the characters in the foreground remain constant in a slight crane
shot, the scene is replaces as if it were a giant slide. The new scene
is of a large chamber with a column with stairs leading to the top.
The lighting is minimal.  Milling around the fringe of the setting are
a group of the aliens seen earlier, talking to each other.  One has a
cup of coffee in his/her three-fingered hands.]
Weed:  OK, places everybody!
Slappy: Come along. [she practically drags Picard and Data away to a
place seemingly behind the set.]
Picard:  [angrily shaking Slappy off] How long has this been going on?
Slappy:  Oh, the kids came up with idea after this here Data left.
Yakko said something about redoing the masters.
Data:  That didn't look anything like a Gaugan or a Picasso....
Slappy:  [yelling] They mean the master tapes, you stupid...whatever
ya' is! [stalks off grumbling]
Picard: [looking at Data nervously]  Are they always like this?
Data:  This is strange.  When I was here before, they were
quite...jubilant.   From the research I did, even for this Slappy, the
level of irritability is quite unusual.
Picard:  Well, I want to find out if we can get to the bottom of this.
[He looks around and notices a sign marked  "Dressing Rooms" with an
arrow pointing towards a hallway.]  That is a good place to find
these...Warners. [He walks towards the door and Data quickly follows.]
[Cut to a reverse shot, with Picard and Data before a green door with
a gold star marked "Warners"  Picard enters the door and we follow
them inside.  Inside is a long narrow room with three vanities along
one wall , all having lights around the mirrors. Between the 2nd and
3rd vanities is a curtain, open.  Sitting in a set of three chairs
near the door by the opposite wall are Yakko, Wakko and Dot, each
holding what looks like scripts.]
Yakko: [not looking up]  If you want an autograph, wait outside the
gate like everyone else.
Data: [clearing his throat; Yakko, Wakko, and Dot all look up.]
Yakko, Wakko, and Dot, this is Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
Dot: [leaping in Picard's arms] Hellooooo, Captain Nurse!  I usually
don't go for older men, but I'll make an exception with you.
Picard: [looking to Data for help] Are they always this....friendly?
Data: This is their common greeting to someone they find...attractive.
[Picard manages to shake Dot loose]
Yakko: [Yakko, Wakko & Dot gathering around Picard and Data in a loose
semicircle]  Say, could you introduce us to Captain Stubbing?
Wakko:  Where's the cafeteria? I'm hungry. [He eats his script]
Dot: So what's new?
Picard:  [flustered]  Why are they acting this way?
Yakko: We're not acting, this is just the way we are.
Dot: Aren't you lucky?
Picard: [anger increasing] Fine, that maybe it, but I have a ship to
run and will not let you disrupt it.  You...whatever you are...
Yakko:  We're the Warner Brothers...
Dot: ...and the Warner Sister...
Yakko: ...and that's all there is to it.
Picard: [continuing] ..but I will not have you disrupting my ship,
holodeck creation or no.  What is it that you want?
[pause.  Yakko, Wakko, and Dot all lose their smiles for the first
time.  During the pause there is a knock at the door and Slappy walks in.]
Slappy: Eh, Weed wants you on the set in...[turning to Picard] what
are you doing here?
Picard: That is what I am asking all of you.
[Slappy is momentarily stunned and is about to speak when Yakko cuts
her off]
Yakko:  You don't understand, do you?
Picard: What?
Yakko:  You don't even know why we exist.  [as if quoting] The sole
purpose of the existence of a toon is to make people laugh. [end
quoting] It's even written in our pay-or-play contract.  If people
don't laugh, we don't exist.
Slappy:  Yeah, the only reason I'm old is because it's funny.  Ah, now
that's comedy!
Yakko: Soooooo, if we make people laugh, we live; otherwise....
Data: But why are you doing all this?  Making movies?
Yakko: [with a touch of indignation] YOU told us that we were
forgotten.  WE will make these shows again and will show them to
everyone.  Then people will laugh again and we can rest.  We also have
some WONDERFUL royalties.
Picard: [thinking with sudden inspiration] So you want to be laughed
at? Then you will go away?
Slappy: Eh, it's not over, yet.
Picard: I think I have an idea to help you.
[fade out] {Commercial break}
Act IV: [Same tableau as the beginning of Act III]
Picard: [just walking in]  I have an idea to take care of our problem.
Gordi: [looking up] What is it?  We haven't any progress on this end.
Picard: We are going to put on a show.
Gordi: [stunned] Excuse me, sir, but what does that have to do with
freeing the holodeck?
Picard: [intensely] Well, they want people to laugh, and we will give
them the opportunity.  Then, I believe you will be able to end the program.
Gordi: Are you sure, ..., sir?
Picard: They as much told me.  I suggested the plan and they agreed.
I want you to continue to work on shutting down the program on this
end, however.  If this plan doesn't work, I  want to make sure that
they are gone.
Gordi: Aye, sir.  If I may ask, what is it that they are planning?
Data:  They said they wanted to put on a video revue.
Picard:  Whatever it is, it will work. [sotto voce] I hope.
[Cut to exterior shot; The Enterprise still docked at the starbase.
Rotating shot while the voice-over runs]
Picard: [voice-over] Captain's Log Stardate 47996.7. Data's creations
on the holodeck, these Warner Brothers, have been quiet for the past
several hours.  Meantime, all off duty personnel from the Enterprise
and Starbase 265 have been invited to what might prove a very
interesting show.
[Cut to outside of holodeck.  Picard, Data and Troi are at the lead of
a small group of officers and technicians, numbering about 35.]
Picard: [tapping his communicator] Gordi, any progress on ending the program?
Gordi: [from communicator] Negative, Captain.  But, the program is no
longer eating up memory.
Picard: Keep me posted if there is any more changes.  Picard, out.
[Suddenly, there is a boson's whistle like Star Trek: The Original
Series' general comm call.]
Yakko: [voice coming from the general call system; sounds of a
fumbling microphone and then Yakko doing a William Shatner impression]
@@@h, this is the Captain. There is to be a performance in Holodeck 3.
Gates will open in five minutes.  Drinks are on the house.  Please do
not bring any dynamite; we'll provide you some if you require it.
That is all.
Picard: [quirking an eyebrow at Data]  Do you have any idea how they
did that?
Data: [pondering]  My guess is they taped into the communication's
grid and...
Picard:[dryly] Thank you, Mr. Data.
[Jump cut to Picard and Data with Troi slightly behind standing before
the door and others barely visible around the edge.  Door opens to
reveal a large Vegas style theater; a stage floodlight and curtained
with a red velvet curtain, an orchestra pit filled with dinner booths
and further back, regular theater chairs.  The colors are all in a
vivid red.  By the door stands a red usher uniformed MIME, a toon
human, very tall and thin, wearing white makeup on his face with red
spots on the nose and cheeks.  He bows and spreads out a white gloved
hand and silently motions Picard, Data, and Troi to enter.  The Mime
then moves a red velvet rope across the door and directs the trio to a
seat in front.  After they have been seated, the camera does a slow
pan, showing some of the other seats are occupied with toons. The Mime
can be seen occasionally in the back directing people to their seats,
usually in the upper seats.  After a slight pause, and amid the low
murmur of conversation, music begins to play softly (an instrumental
version of the Animaniacs' theme)]
Picard: [leaning over to Data and Troi] What do you make of all this?
Data: [Taking in surroundings ] It looks like a recreation of a
Terran 20th century casino theater.  This was usually the venues for revues.
Troi:  The only feeling I get is that of anticipation, but whether
it's from the crowd or from the characters, I can't tell.
[Picard is about to respond when the house lights dim and music fades out]
Picard: Well, we'll see what they have planned.
[Lights fade to single spot focused on the gap in the curtains.  Out
strides a grotesque caricture of Jerry Lewis (MR. DIRECTOR), wearing a
light blue suit and black bow tie.]
Mr. Director: [yelling] Hello, all you nice peoples out there! Welcome
to the Riveria lounge! I...[a large cartoon anvil is dropped on Mr.
Director][muffled] Hoil!
Yakko, Wakko & Dot: [offstage, jubilantly] Yes![The three run onto
stage from stage right, in the process, push the anvil and Mr.
Director off stage left.  No response from the audience]
Yakko: Hi, everybody!
Yakko & Wakko (together):  We're the Warner Brothers!
Dot: And the Warner Sister!  And we're here to entertain you!
Yakko: I would like to start off the show with a musical number
performed by Wakko!  Take it away!
[Yakko and Dot exit stage left as the curtain opens, revealing a big
band jazz combo.  Wakko spins around and now he has a microphone in
his hand and is wearing a black top hat (with ear holes), a black
dinner jacket and a white shirt with tails, both slightly rumpled and
crooked black bow tie.  He is also wearing sunglasses.  The band
begins playing.]
[cut to Picard, leaning over to Troi]
Picard: [murmuring] Maybe Will should be here.[Troi nod briefly]
[back to Wakko]
Wakko:[leaning and crooning into the microphone] I'll take an island/
Staten or Ireland/Japan and Cyprus too/...
[cut to Engineering.  Gordi and Barkley are looking at the big
schematic behind the central table.  On the screen is a diagram of the
memory use of the computer.  In the center is a large shimmering block.]
Barkley: [pointing to a part of the block] See, sir?  I believe the a
part of the memory has been freed up.
Gordi: Okay.[thinking for a moment] Access that memory unit and block
its use.  I'll give you information on which next one to block.  Maybe
we can at least box them in.
Barkley: Aye, sir.
[cut to the holodeck.  Wakko is on stage, bowing.  There is scattered
applause.]
Wakko:  [bowing with each phrase]Excuse me, excuse me, no excuse me.
[He walks off stage and the curtain closes.]
[Slight pause and then Slappy pokes her head out between the curtains.
Below her, a smaller squirrel, colored brown with largish eyes, pokes
his head out (SKIPPY SQUIRREL)]
Slappy:  Hey, Skippy!  These people aren't laughin'!
Skippy: But, Aunt Slappy, we haven't done anything yet.
Slappy: Eh, we'll show 'em.
[They both step out from behind the curtain.  Skippy's body shape is
the same as Slappy's, only shorter and younger (i.e. more soft
curves.) The coloring scheme is the same except in shades of brown
instead of gray.]
Slappy:  Skippy, have I ever told you about the time when...
Skippy:  But, Aunt Slappy, we're here to introduce the next act.
Slappy: Now, Skippy, how many times have I told you?
Skippy: [as if from memory, resigned] Once you have the spotlight,
never give it up.
Slappy: Right.  Now as I was saying...
[Bursting from the stage right, are Pinky and the Brain, running,
Brain holding a mallet aloft.  Behind them is a little 'toon girl with
green eyes and blonde hair, wearing a purple jumper (MINDY)]
Mindy:  Mousies!
[Behind Mindy is a 'toon dog colored brown with darker spots
(BUTTONS).  Behind Buttons, is Wakko, then Yakko, then finally Dot.
Close behind is a large grossly overweigh human 'toon wearing a
policeman's uniform (RALPH)]
Wakko: Hey, Brain, come back with my mallet!
[As Buttons reaches stage center, a trap door opens up and he falls through.]
Buttons: Arrrooo!
[The Warners and Ralph leap the trap door and then exit stage left and
Slappy shakes her head.]
Slappy: [muttering to the camera] Can't you keep these guys from
making cameos in my spots?
Skippy: [looking down the open trap door]  Doggie go down the hoooole.
[scattered laughter]
Slappy: [looking with him]  Buttons, when ya' ever gonna learn?
[Standing up and door closes] Anyways, as I was saying....eh, what was
I gonna say?  Skippy, where's the cue cards?
Skippy: They are right in front of you.
[reverse shot of the Mime holding a large sign saying "They are right
in front of you."]
Slappy: Ehhhh, hurry up and change the card.  There, [obviously
reading] and now for our next act I would like to introduce the next
act, Yakko Warner. [yelling to behind the curtain]  I hope you are
satisfied!  [grabbing Skippy by his hand.]  Come on, Skippy, it's time
to talk to my agent about equal time clauses.
[Skippy waves as he is half-dragged off the stage. Some laughter and
applause. As Skippy and Slappy exit, the curtain rises, revealing
Yakko on a bare stage and then curtains start coming down again.]
[Quick cut back to Engineering.  Barkley is in a Jefferys Tube with a
panel off.  He taps his communicator]
Barkley: Block number 464 is off line.
Gordi: [from the communicator]  Okay, block number 707 has just opened
up.
Barkley: Aye, sir. Barkley out. [he closes the panel and begins to
back up; mumbling] If they could just vacate in some sort of order...
[Yakko is now standing in front of the curtains with a spotlight
centered on him and the rest of stage dark.  A microphone on a stand
comes up through the floor.  He bows to some scattered applause.]
[Cut to a side shot of Picard, Troi and Data.  Picard and Troi have
concerned looks on their faces but Data looks merely interested.]
Picard:  I hope this works.  It doesn't seem to be going very well.
Deanna, can you sense anything?
Troi: Well, from _him_ [gesturing slightly to Yakko] I still sense
chaotic feelings as when I first met him but now there is a slight
undertone of concern.  From the crowd, it's mainly anticipation.  I
think if he can connect....
[She is cut off with Yakko beginning to speak.  Cut to a long shot
from the upper audience gallery]
Yakko: Thank you, thank you.  First of all, I'd like to thank all of
you for coming. [behind him the sound of furious construction begins;
pounding of hammers, a buzz saw, etc.][raising his voice slightly,
clearly trying to stall for time]@@@h, uh, now, um, we present....
[Cut to a medium shot of the stage. Wakko sticks his head from out
behind the curtain]
Wakko:  Uh, Yakko...?
Yakko:[turning around, in a stage whisper]  What is it?  I thought the
set would be ready by now.
Wakko: Were outta of nails.
Yakko: [still in a stage whisper]  How can we be out of nails?!  We
had two barrels full of them!
Wakko: [sheepishly] I got hungry, so I ate them. [more laughter, but
still a little thin]
Yakko: [shaking head] You know what will happen if Dot finds out?
Dot: [running on from stage left] Find out what?
Yakko: Wakko ate all the nails and now we can't finish your set.
Dot: HE DID WHAT?
Wakko: [trying to explain]  Well, I was hungry...
Dot: [ranting and raving] Now, how can I do my Cute song?  That was
suppose to be my big number. I was to tell the whole world how cute I
am!  Now I am getting ugly! I am angry!  I am enraged!  I HAVE HAD IT!
[starts to huff]
Yakko: [taping her on the shoulder]  You know, you are awfully cute
when you're angry.
Dot: [suddenly all better]  You really think so?
[All three bow and exit stage right.  Some more laughter, a bit
stronger]
[cut to a side shot of the three Starfleet officers, with Data closest
to the camera.]
Data: [half talking to himself] Fascinating.
Troi: [turning to him curiously]  What's so fascinating?
Data: [slightly startled]  I am constantly amazed by this programs
ability to pick up bits and pieces of all the character's bits and
make something new. [cocks his head towards Troi]  That, and this
is probably the finest primer for animation I could get. [a ghost of
smile touches his lips]
[Back to the stage.  Slappy pokes her head out on the stage right side.]
Slappy: [to the audience]  That was pointless. [she steps into full
view of the stage]  It's sad, really, that we have to resort to
recycled gags.
[stepping out from stage left is a geriatric looking wolf 'toon,
colored a dark grey with a white face,  wearing overalls and a goatee
(WALTER WOLF).  He speaks in a voice reminiscent of a Borsch-belt
comedian]
Walter: [waving a cane] Slappy Squirrel, I have been waiting for a
long time for this. [he starts to move across the stage]
Slappy: [in mock horror]  Oh, look, it's my arch-enemy, Walter Wolf.
Hey, Walter, you know that it's now the 24th century.
Walter: So?  I've been waiting far to long, then!
[Slappy throws Walter a cartoon bomb]
Slappy: Here, Walter, catch!
Walter: [he juggles the bomb for a second, grins, and then
extinguishes the fuse with an ACME Hyper-sonic Fuse Extinguisher (TM)]
See, Slappy, I've learned something in the past 400 years!
Slappy: Yeah, Walter...[she pulls out an ACME Toon Phaser. She shoots
and Walter is vaporized to ash with Walter's eyes blinking on top]
..isn't technology wonderful?  Hey, it's violent, but that's comedy!
[More laughter]
[cut to Picard, tight close-up]
Picard:  That was supposed to be funny?
Data: [pull back shot of the three, leaning over] Physical humor was a
large part of the Warner Brothers cartoons throughout the 20th
century....
[cut to the stage]
Slappy: [noticing Picard's comment]  So you don't approve? [she arches
an eyebrow]
[back to Picard]
Picard: [raising his voice] I just don't think that weapons should be
made light of.
[Cut back to the stage. Behind Slappy, Walter is reforming, like the
Terminator in T2]
Slappy: Nobody ever gets hurt with our weapons.  Walter, how do you feel?
Walter: [in a strangled voice] Never felt better. [He tries to stagger
of stage left but falls over in the wings. More laughter]
Slappy: You see?[Calling off stage] Hey, Yakko, Wakko, Dot!  We have
someone that's humor-impaired out here! [Still more laughter]
[cut to Picard.]
Picard: [objecting] Just you wait...
[Cut to the stage as Yakko, Wakko and Dot leap over Walter and skid to
a halt around Slappy]
Yakko:  What is it, oh Ancient One?
Slappy:  Eh, I told you never call me that....[Gesturing at Picard] It
seems your captain friend has insufficient humor.
Wakko: [waving at Picard] Hey, you want to see me make bubbles with my
spit?
Yakko:  @@@@h, save that for latter.
Dot:  I know, I can show him my pet.
[Medium side shot of the group on stage and Picard.]
Picard:  I don't think...
[Dot pulls out what looks like a ring box.  She opens it up and a
large cariture of Bob Hope comes out.]
Bob Hope: I want to thank you all for...hold up those cue cards a
little higher...
[Frantically, Dot shoves Bob into the box and closes it.  More
laughter.  Picard is startled]
Dot: That was too close.
[Cut to a medium stage shot]
Yakko:  You see? Expect the unexpected!
Dot: That's our job.
Yakko:  We are the ray of hope in the darkest day! [really getting
into it] We are the comic relief amongst life's tragedy!  We are..
Slappy: [tapping Yakko on the shoulder] Ehh, don't over do it.
[Picard finally cracks a smile]
Yakko:  But you see...no you don't.  I know when we aren't wanted [He
starts to wander off dejectedly]  I know when it's time to go home.
[Wakko, Dot and Slappy look expectantly, leaning slightly in his
direction, as Yakko nears stage right. Pauses and straighten
suddenly.]  Now is not one of those times!
[Laughter!  Even Picard is laughing though softly. The only one who isn't
is of course Data, who looks merely curious, and somehow pleased.]
Yakko: [Gathering Slappy and his siblings together, throwing kisses to
the audience] You love us!  You really love us! [The other characters
gather around Yakko Wakko and Dot.  As the laughter continues,
everything begins a slow fade.] [Looking directly at Data]  Don't
forget you're promise....
Data: [simply] I will not.
Yakko: [Waving]  Goodnight, everybody! [and they fade out completely.]
[Everyone is now standing in the bare holodeck]
[Cut to Gordi, looking concerned at the schematic.]
Gordi: Captain, are you all right?  The program just suddenly
vanished...
[Cut back to Picard, clustered around Data and Troi.  In the
background the others are filing out]
Picard: [With a slight chuckle] No, everything is fine now.  I will
want a full report when I get down there.  Picard, out. [Turning to
Data]  What was that about the promise?
Data:  I promised I would show there program to others.  I believe
some of the children would enjoy it...
Voice1: [in the background]  ...no, I say they were dogs.
Voice2: They were giant chickens, I tell you... [Fade out]
{commercial break}
CODA: [Same scene as opening, except a clean room and a fresh sketch
pad.   Data is drawing a cat that looks suspiciously like a cross
between Spot and Rita.  He occasionally lifts the pad up and checks
the other drawings underneath.  After a couple of beats, the door
chime rings]
Data: Come.
Gordi: [walking into the room]  I heard you working on some
animation...hey, that's pretty good.
Data: [not turning head] Thank you. [continues work on drawing.]
[Gordi half-laughs]
Data: [looking up] What's so funny?
Gordi:  Oh, I was just remembering an old book I read when I
was a kid, "Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?"  I was just wondering
what those cartoons dream of.
Data: [matter-of-factly, after a short pause] Anvils, I believe,
though I have never dreamed of electric sheep.
Gordi: [chuckling]  I might have to find that book for you.....
[Fade out]
{Credits: Standard credits with following additions:
Additional voices:
Maurice LaMarche, Julie Brown, Bernadette Peters, Nancy Cartwright,
Nathan Ruegger, Trish LeDoux, Frank Welker, Chick Vannera.
Animation services by Tokyo Movie Shinsha, Co. Ltd.
Klingon Princess: Kathryn Page}
[e-mail]/[e-mail]/[e-mail]
--
Bryan Chaney  [e-mail]
          [e-mail]
              [e-mail]
"If I was a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my rest of my life...
 But I'm not." - Slappy Squirrel, Animaniacs, "I Got Yer Can"